An Intervention for Mommy Bloggers

No Nose No Problem

*Liza enters. Sits down. Takes out a letter. Unfolds. Reads.*

Dear Mommy Bloggers, as you may have already guessed this is an intervention. I say this with love as a sometimes mommy blogger myself—you (we) have a (few) problem(s).

1. Let’s cool it with the wine jokes. Sparingly they can be funny, if a little tired (not unlike yourself) but they are so OVERUSED. If someone were to take a walk around your blog they might think you were raised on Boone’s Farm in the heart of Napa Valley. Seriously if some of you are drinking as much as you are writing about drinking this may not be your only intervention this month. Maybe get a hobby? Crochet something? Maybe a wine glass cozy? Which leads us to our next point…

2. Just because you made it doesn’t mean it NEEDS a tutorial. If you glued a pipe cleaner to a toilet paper roll, glittered it and your kid thinks it resembles a ninja turtle—that’s awesome! But possibly don’t put it on Pinterest (and enroll your kid in an art program because the munchkin has vision, baby.) In fact, here are three times not to create a tutorial: if we can figure it out ourselves from one picture, if it already exists in tutorial form all over the internet, and if you had to Instagram filter the shit out of it to make it look presentable. Speaking of which…

3. Stop getting all filter-skelter all over the place. If you filter something let’s make sure it still at least resembles reality. Por ejemplo: here is a selfie of myself WITHOUT A NOSE.

No Nose No Problem

If you baked a pie and shared the recipe lets make sure it is your pie in the picture not the Kardashian equivalent of said pie. Also if you have time to photoshop a pie and nobody is paying you for it then maybe you should volunteer somewhere? I know what you’re thinking, that you can totally humble brag about it later but…

4. Stop humble bragging! If you rocked something–own it. If you failed miserably–own it (and post pictures–so hilarious). But stay away from that humble brag ladies. It’s so condescending especially about your kids. “It has been so stressful since Emma has started competitive gymnastics because she keeps getting invited to all of these meets all over the country and with scheduling summer weekends in the Hamptons I haven’t had a moment to myself to get my nails done or volunteer at the soup kitchen for underprivileged Schnauzers.” We get it you are muy fancy. STFU. As for competitions…

5. Good Lord! Quit saying my husband is better than your husband. We’re women! We have to compete for all types of things: jobs that make less money than a man’s, size 7.5 shoes and parking spaces at Target. Let’s not compete about husbands. If your husband is better than some peoples husbands (which odds are, he is, erhm Anthony Weiner) then you’re kind of being a giant bitch. I think everyone is guilty of this at some point (I am), but lets think about what you’re saying and the opportunity you are missing. You are likely trying to give some major props to the hubs (or S.O.) for doing something for you, like buying you flowers or taking out the trash without complaining even though you know you should have taken out the trash yourself immediately following the fish casserole incident because it smelled Nas-Tay. Definitely take the opportunity to thank your spouse in person. If he happens to be an avid reader of your blog (really?), sure, thank him there, too (and send us proof. We’ll mail you a trophy for him because, truly, he is a better husband than everyone else’s). Did somebody say casserole…

6. Not everything should be meal prepped. So, this is a thing now: meal prepping. People will chop, season and freeze meals days/weeks/moths/years in advance. My grandma apparently started this trend way back in1992. (Big ups LaLa, you are now Pinterest famous which is the best kid of famous). So, the question is: when is it ok to meal prep? Before the birth of a baby, when you want to passive-aggressively annoy your husband and in advance of a zombie apocalypse. When is it not ok to meal prep? When you are actually just dumping previously frozen foods into the same container (I’m looking at you tater-tot casserole), when said prepping takes as much time to prepare as it would to actually grown on a farm (organically) and when, after six hours in a crockpot, the “prepared meal” congeals into a monotone slush that even Oliver Twist is cool with just one helping of. (Insert a clever segue here). Speaking of affiliate links…

7. Affiliate links! Holy Moly guys! I’m not trying to knock your hustle (because who is more gangsta than a group of 30-something soccer moms?) but lets be a little more judicious about our affiliate links. Like maybe not having people shop your entire house. “I just bought this lamp. I love how it complements my bookends, throw pillows, and ferret cage without making my old lamp feel jealous. Also, doesn’t my dog look cute? He loves to sit by our fireplace. I think he misses the old house but we had to move after the neighborhood got bad and they caught those burglars who were targeting small businesses.” I think you see my point. Now please go buy my book.

There. Now it’s out in the open and you can choose for yourself to get into the minivan and accept the help or you can no longer be a part of our lives. The choice is yours.

Note: I know this will be a tough piece for some, but to all the funny, practical, sweet and helpful mommy bloggers out there—thank you. Keep on “keeping it real” (also, where is all this coming from? No more Jay-Z on Pandora). You can only help if people think you actually exist and are not some tipsy, ultrafiltered, Stepford cyborg. And if you are a tipsy, ultrafiltered, Stepford cyborg please don’t hurt us we’re really stressed out because our toddlers are reading at a post-high school reading levels and choosing a college for a gifted child is such a big decision. I love you, Darryl, thanks for the flowers.

Read more about Liza Dora here. Or here. (<-This one’s funnier.)

You may also like