I know you’re in there, I can feel you.
I am trying to be well for you. I’m afraid and I’m wagering a sense of safety against the desire to look into your eyes.
I cannot shake the feeling that you will still somehow complete our already perfect little family.
I imagine you’ll look like your daddy. Another baby giant that will one day make me feel small. But still a part of me hopes you’ll look a little more like me.
I want our girl to be a big sister to you. I want her to have a confidant. Someone to boss around and protect with everything she has. Someone to share in a childhood the way only a sibling can. A mate, both for play and for soul.
I want to hold a baby now that I know how much I want one. I want to watch that baby, you baby, grow without all the fear and anxiety that clouded my vision the first time.
I want to share my body again, and this time appreciate all the changes it makes to allow for you to grow. I want to say these thoughts loudly out into the universe in hopes that it’ll grant me yet another miracle. I want my desire for you to be strong enough to make you so.
But we both know my first duty is to the baby that’s already here. To serve her first has always been a clear and noble goal. It’s possible I cannot risk angering the cancer gods by snatching my own life away from them and then going on to create a new one.
Only time will tell whether I’ll hold you in my arms or carry you in my heart into another life, but wait for me, little one.
Wait for me.
You and I, we, are meant to be.
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