I don’t really talk about my anxiety much in this space, mostly because I prefer to treat it homeopathically by shopping for survival equipment on Amazon. When I was still in nursing school we got a call early in the morning before rounds that said they were pretty sure that the patient from our hospital that […]
I wrote a blog post over a year ago about trying to come to grips with being a family of three. It was an emotional post and, as always, the comments from friends were supportive and kind, but one response in particular stuck out. A friend of my parents said that after her first son […]
“You look beautiful, Mom,” she says from the doorway. But I don’t. I’m still 30 pounds overweight and my hair is a mess. My jeans don’t fit and my skin is breaking out. I have eye make-up on–possibly from weeks ago. She’s wandered to the bathroom as I’ve just finished washing my face. She places […]
He’s crying again. I throw off the covers and reach for the sweater at the end of my bed. I pull on my socks and some sweat pants. He’s still crying when I reach his door and push it gently open. His back is arched and he’s in a panic. He must be, to wake […]
A local reoccurrence they call it. Same cancer. Same spot. I knew 4 years ago, even after the first doctor and the first surgery, there was a chance. A 30-50% chance, actually. Ocular Melanoma of the Conjunctiva is a rare cancer. It’s a shitty cancer. But it’s a pretty visible cancer. And it’s back. A […]
“She’s not tough enough for school,” my husband says over dinner. I know and I’m scared too, but at least one of us is supposed to know what we’re doing, so I parrot the conventional wisdom of the status quo to quiet his fears. “She’ll toughen up.” “She’ll figure it out.” I was too nice […]
1.You will basically lick sugar off the floor. A friend asked me if I wanted a cupcake tower or a cake at my shower. What I really want is to mainline some liquified Sour Patch Kids and then chase it with a line of Pixie Stix. In hindsight, I should’ve gone with cupcake tower so […]
I spend a lot of time with teenagers. I attempt to teach them Chemistry at a time when it is wrecking their bodies and scrambling their emotions. I’ve seen them cry over the end of their first “real” relationships. I’ve witnessed their disappointments at being left behind by a peer group or at not being […]
When he was three, he ate raw hamburger meat for the first time. He was left alone and that’s all there was in the fridge. When he was five, the house he was staying in was broken into and he saw a female family member beaten so badly he thought she’d died. The first time […]
Though I am on a summer blog hiatus I have something I needed to share that I could not put to the side until August. I’ve been “hit on” twice this week. This is noteworthy for two main reasons. The first being I never really leave my house and the second is that I tend […]
I’ve written this piece before. In my head, after she’s fallen asleep. In the car, on the way to work. In the hours of the morning I still have to myself. I didn’t deserve her today. Not the smile she gave me when I walked through the door. Not the tiny arms that ensnared my […]
I don’t really write poems. I don’t really like poems. But I like her, and today she said, “Mom, I don’t like it when you tell me you’re busy.” So, I put down my work and I picked her up. There’s only so long that they are little. Only so much ‘little time’. Books […]
She looked forward to the birthday party all week. When her nanny asked what she would do at the party she shrugged and said “probably read some books”. She counted down the days, but when we arrived she wouldn’t leave my side. She ventured out to greet the birthday girl, but shied away from the […]
I don’t know how many times I’ve snapped it at her, when she’s tired, but wriggling. Or how many exasperated sighs there have been while moving her back across to her Daddy’s side of the bed. Fridays are for slumber parties at our house. She puts on her jammies and climbs under the covers with […]
It’s getting late and she’s fading, so he carries her around the dance floor. It’s been past her bedtime and like most three-year-olds she’s oscillating between euphoria and utter despair. I want to tell her how special this moment is to her father. That years from now when they dance, she’ll be able to look […]
I know you’re in there, I can feel you. I am trying to be well for you. I’m afraid and I’m wagering a sense of safety against the desire to look into your eyes. I cannot shake the feeling that you will still somehow complete our already perfect little family. I imagine you’ll look like […]
I woke up next to her this morning. I let her sleep with me the nights her daddy is gone. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls with each soft breath. She awakes each morning with a halo of curls. The fuzzy soft waves blur the lines of her face against the […]
If you’re going to lose your shit, it should be in a Saltgrass Steakhouse. The seats are fake leather and tears just roll right off. The bathroom has lots of paper towels and they are usually located near the bar, where oftentimes there are already people crying anyway. They also have hooks on the door […]
I’m not a fan of bathing suits. My hips have never been narrow enough. Possibly, not even when I was born. My waist is too wide, no matter how thin I am, and my shoulders too broad, even when dropped. Even at my thinnest I would sit tall and ridged next to the pool, so there […]
“I don’t want to be scared of the dragon, momma.” She whined and twisted her hand away from mine. I snapped at her. I jerked her arm to keep her still and she began to cry. What I missed, while looking for grain-free dog food, was the giant, inflatable dragon behind me. The one standing […]
I know she cries a lot without me. Please be patient with her. She’s used to being held close. After a week of crying about my diagnosis a year ago, I picked her up and I’m not sure I ever put her back down. How could I? With her ready smile, her dancing eyes, her […]
When I saw the open call for the San Antonio incarnation of “Listen To Your Mother”, I decided to give it a shot. On the day of the auditions, I tripped as I walked through the door. I literally “stumbled in off the street”. When I was called back, I talked so much that the […]
I wasn’t always sure I wanted to be a mom, but he was always sure he wanted to be a dad. He went to every appointment with me when we got pregnant. (Yes, “we”. It was a joint venture.) He was the first to hold her. The first to change her diaper. The first to […]
“Don’t be friends with your kids.” “Don’t be a friend. Be a parent.” “I’m not your friend, I’m your mom.” Did you nod? Sure. Me, too. Before I had a kid. Before I spent close to every waking minute willing another human to survive and duct taping cushions to everything in our house. Before […]
I put her in her bed early tonight, because I’m tired and potty training is hard. I got in the bath and scrolling through Facebook, I read a post about a little boy whose eyes began to cross and his mothers lost him after a year. Again I thanked God that cancer happened to me […]
It’s starting to happen more often, now. A judgment made that she’s too old to be in diapers. The expectation that she has any concept of age or enough motor control to hold up two specific fingers on command from a stranger. I had an uncle who had to bring his birth certificate to every […]
My husband routinely prays before each meal. I am usually knee deep in spaghetti by the time I take notice and join in. Our daughter will clasp her hands and watch him as he prays. When he says “Amen”, she shouts it and joins me in the sauce-y depths. I have long journeyed in my […]
You were watching a cartoon yesterday, some innocuous thing, and a character flicked her wand. Sparks shot from the end and she changed the world around her. I was folding clothes when you asked what it was. “Magic,” I said and you inched closer to the TV. “Girls are magic,” you whispered and I caught my breath. […]
Last year on Feb 14th I got a package in the mail. It was a dozen chocolate covered strawberries. They were beautiful and sweet and they weren’t from my husband. When I was 21 and in college I hardly dated. I’m a terrible dater. I’m an asshole when I’m nervous and the only times I’ve […]
It’s not OK to insinuate I cheated on my husband. It’s not OK to ask if she’s really his. I know you’re not funny. It’s become obvious in the last 15 seconds. But let’s think about a more appropriate way to break the ice. Something less private, like how much money we make or possibly […]
The baby is crying and I’m cooking dinner. The dog is barking at his shadow, or possibly a butterfly flapping its wings in China. The trash can is overflowing and I’ve asked you to empty it four times. I drop an eggshell onto the floor and suddenly, it’s a standoff between three parties. We all […]
My daughter was born on Halloween. I “technically” picked this for her birthday since I was having a C-section. My though process was this: 1. Fun Parties 2. GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME, RIGHT NOW. Last week we were all trucking through the chaotic abyss that was Target before Halloween, and I heard a […]
