10 Things I’ve Learned from The Real Housewives Franchise

The Real Housewives

My name is Liza and I am addicted to the Real Housewives of Everywhere. There is so much shame in that sentence, but I’ve heard admitting you have a problem is the first step. I have watched every episode of every season–except the Miami’s (so much boobs) and D.C. (Nothing happened and everyone got paid. So, it was basically watching Congress on CSPAN). I’ve watched the feuds, the “-gates” and all the shade so you don’t have to. If you think about it, really, I’m kind of a hero.

1. Always expect a phone call. She called the police on your daughter? You slept with her husband? She accused you of fraud? It’s cool. If you get a nose job, everyone has to call you and make sure you are ok. If they don’t, you can assume it was an act of war and all women within a 26 mile radius have to be on your side. Passive aggressive flowers are also permissible in lieu of a phone conversation. Remember it’s the THOT that counts.

2. Rich people have really white teeth. “Rich Bitches” like to talk about it.

3. Driving is for poor people. Everyone has a driver. Real luxury is riding around in the backseat with two hands free: one for a glass of wine and one to shield your makeup with after the aforementioned glass of wine is hurled at another passenger and your rented vehicle becomes a champagne fountain.

4. Titles are important. Whether it’s the countess, the princess or Miss USA, hold on to it for the rest of your life. It will henceforth define you. (Sidenote: I was voted most likely to succeed in high school and I’m writing satire for a website. Dream big people.)

5. Don’t assume anyone’s hair is or isn’t real. If you pull someone’s hair–$hit. Gets. Real.

6. Everyone should have tiny dogs. If you have a big dog it will bite your niece’s hand off. Also, they are harder to put clothes on.

7. Getting married on camera raises your risk of divorce by 95%. Add 1% if your “fiancée” met you while you were filming. Add another 2% if your mom hid the “wedding license” or spread a rumor your soon-to-be-husband was sleeping with your personal assistant. Add another 2% if everyone is pretty sure your fiancée is low-key into dudes. So really, it’s 100%. Better idea: just get the divorce out of the way before you do your TV wedding (to the same guy).

8. Your children going off to college is a Greek tragedy. It will take you 2.5 episodes to get over it, which equates to about 32 minutes of screen time. Make sure you are wearing waterproof mascara and none of your other kids and their nannies walk into the shot. You need the space, you’re grieving.

9. Always put everyone on speaker phone. If people called you on the phone it’s because they wanted you and everyone your immediate vicinity to hear what they are saying. Also, could you please put it on national TV–it’s just good manners.

10. You should always travel out of the country with people who sort of hate each other. Also, act surprised when everyone drinks too much, fights, cries and threatens to leave early, as you try (in earnest) to connect on a spiritual level with cosmic energy emanating from a pile of rocks. (Note to Andy Cohen: Housewives’ Locked up A-Broad? A spin-off that’s also a crossover? Think about it. You can mail me a check after we’ve hammered out the details.)

So the next time you need to massage minor details of your pregnancy (like the due date), defer to the wisdom of your elders: The Real Housewives’ (parts of them are older than you are).

 

Liza Dora is an author, illustrator, and Texan living in Tennessee with her husband and two children. Liza graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in chemistry and is the proudest member of the class of 2007.

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