She looked forward to the birthday party all week. When her nanny asked what she would do at the party she shrugged and said “probably read some books”. She counted down the days, but when we arrived she wouldn’t leave my side. She ventured out to greet the birthday girl, but shied away from the […]
I don’t know how many times I’ve snapped it at her, when she’s tired, but wriggling. Or how many exasperated sighs there have been while moving her back across to her Daddy’s side of the bed. Fridays are for slumber parties at our house. She puts on her jammies and climbs under the covers with […]
It’s getting late and she’s fading, so he carries her around the dance floor. It’s been past her bedtime and like most three-year-olds she’s oscillating between euphoria and utter despair. I want to tell her how special this moment is to her father. That years from now when they dance, she’ll be able to look […]
I know you’re in there, I can feel you. I am trying to be well for you. I’m afraid and I’m wagering a sense of safety against the desire to look into your eyes. I cannot shake the feeling that you will still somehow complete our already perfect little family. I imagine you’ll look like […]
I woke up next to her this morning. I let her sleep with me the nights her daddy is gone. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls with each soft breath. She awakes each morning with a halo of curls. The fuzzy soft waves blur the lines of her face against the […]
If you’re going to lose your shit, it should be in a Saltgrass Steakhouse. The seats are fake leather and tears just roll right off. The bathroom has lots of paper towels and they are usually located near the bar, where oftentimes there are already people crying anyway. They also have hooks on the door […]
I’m not a fan of bathing suits. My hips have never been narrow enough. Possibly, not even when I was born. My waist is too wide, no matter how thin I am, and my shoulders too broad, even when dropped. Even at my thinnest I would sit tall and ridged next to the pool, so there […]
“I don’t want to be scared of the dragon, momma.” She whined and twisted her hand away from mine. I snapped at her. I jerked her arm to keep her still and she began to cry. What I missed, while looking for grain-free dog food, was the giant, inflatable dragon behind me. The one standing […]
I know she cries a lot without me. Please be patient with her. She’s used to being held close. After a week of crying about my diagnosis a year ago, I picked her up and I’m not sure I ever put her back down. How could I? With her ready smile, her dancing eyes, her […]
When I saw the open call for the San Antonio incarnation of “Listen To Your Mother”, I decided to give it a shot. On the day of the auditions, I tripped as I walked through the door. I literally “stumbled in off the street”. When I was called back, I talked so much that the […]
This is why “Black Lives Matter” I know your hearts. I know that you feel like you don’t know what to say. I know you love your black neighbors, your co-workers, your friends. I know you pray for them. I know you just wish everyone would get along, but this is what you’re not getting […]
I wasn’t always sure I wanted to be a mom, but he was always sure he wanted to be a dad. He went to every appointment with me when we got pregnant. (Yes, “we”. It was a joint venture.) He was the first to hold her. The first to change her diaper. The first to […]
“Don’t be friends with your kids.” “Don’t be a friend. Be a parent.” “I’m not your friend, I’m your mom.” Did you nod? Sure. Me, too. Before I had a kid. Before I spent close to every waking minute willing another human to survive and duct taping cushions to everything in our house. Before […]
I put her in her bed early tonight, because I’m tired and potty training is hard. I got in the bath and scrolling through Facebook, I read a post about a little boy whose eyes began to cross and his mothers lost him after a year. Again I thanked God that cancer happened to me […]
It’s starting to happen more often, now. A judgment made that she’s too old to be in diapers. The expectation that she has any concept of age or enough motor control to hold up two specific fingers on command from a stranger. I had an uncle who had to bring his birth certificate to every […]
