Slow

slow-by-liza-dora

You started crawling two days before your first birthday. Your sister was running by then. Holding things. Had I not spent enough time with you? She takes most of my time and you were so content to cling to my chest and watch. You still won’t hold you bottle. You can, but you won’t. Other […]

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Only Child

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She’s seen me sick so often. And so often, with me, pregnant looks so sick. She brings her Kindle and her headphones into bed, because she knows I sleep lightly. She tucks herself in next to me and I let her, even though I’m burning up. “Are you asleep yet, Momma?” she asks. Her whisper […]

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Trunk Or Treat

Raise your hand if you don’t really know what Trunk-or-Treat is. <— That’s me on 10/30/18. I mean I sort of knew the concept—the world is scary, now, so let’s teach children to approach strangers’ cars and take candy from their trunks—but, I had not experienced such a thing. So fast forward to this year […]

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Safety First

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I don’t really talk about my anxiety much in this space, mostly because I prefer to treat it homeopathically by shopping for survival equipment on Amazon. When I was still in nursing school we got a call early in the morning before rounds that said they were pretty sure that the patient from our hospital that […]

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Heavens to Betsy

I wrote a blog post over a year ago about trying to come to grips with being a family of three. It was an emotional post and, as always, the comments from friends were supportive and kind, but one response in particular stuck out. A friend of my parents said that after her first son […]

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“You Look Beautiful, Mom.”

“You look beautiful, Mom,” she says from the doorway. But I don’t. I’m still 30 pounds overweight and my hair is a mess. My jeans don’t fit and my skin is breaking out. I have eye make-up on–possibly from weeks ago. She’s wandered to the bathroom as I’ve just finished washing my face. She places […]

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I Carried Him

He’s crying again. I throw off the covers and reach for the sweater at the end of my bed. I pull on my socks and some sweat pants. He’s still crying when I reach his door and push it gently open. His back is arched and he’s in a panic. He must be, to wake […]

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It’s Back

A local reoccurrence they call it. Same cancer. Same spot. I knew 4 years ago, even after the first doctor and the first surgery, there was a chance. A 30-50% chance, actually. Ocular Melanoma of the Conjunctiva is a rare cancer. It’s a shitty cancer. But it’s a pretty visible cancer. And it’s back. A […]

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Sweet Girl

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“She’s not tough enough for school,” my husband says over dinner. I know and I’m scared too, but at least one of us is supposed to know what we’re doing, so I parrot the conventional wisdom of the status quo to quiet his fears. “She’ll toughen up.” “She’ll figure it out.” I was too nice […]

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Mother’s Day

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I’ve written this piece before. In my head, after she’s fallen asleep. In the car, on the way to work. In the hours of the morning I still have to myself. I didn’t deserve her today. Not the smile she gave me when I walked through the door. Not the tiny arms that ensnared my […]

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Small Castles

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She looked forward to the birthday party all week. When her nanny asked what she would do at the party she shrugged and said “probably read some books”. She counted down the days, but when we arrived she wouldn’t leave my side. She ventured out to greet the birthday girl, but shied away from the […]

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To the Baby Waiting…

I know you’re in there, I can feel you. I am trying to be well for you. I’m afraid and I’m wagering a sense of safety against the desire to look into your eyes. I cannot shake the feeling that you will still somehow complete our already perfect little family. I imagine you’ll look like […]

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This Time

this-time-by-liza-dora

I woke up next to her this morning. I let her sleep with me the nights her daddy is gone. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls with each soft breath. She awakes each morning with a halo of curls. The fuzzy soft waves blur the lines of her face against the […]

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Saltgrass

Saltgrass-By-Liza-dora

If you’re going to lose your shit, it should be in a Saltgrass Steakhouse. The seats are fake leather and tears just roll right off. The bathroom has lots of paper towels and they are usually located near the bar, where oftentimes there are already people crying anyway. They also have hooks on the door […]

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Dragons

dragons-by-liza-dora

“I don’t want to be scared of the dragon, momma.” She whined and twisted her hand away from mine. I snapped at her. I jerked her arm to keep her still and she began to cry. What I missed, while looking for grain-free dog food, was the giant, inflatable dragon behind me. The one standing […]

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